


it started out with a kiss (how did it end up like this?)

by infinitely_merthur



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Universe, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 06:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19267255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitely_merthur/pseuds/infinitely_merthur
Summary: “I wish I could understand you, Merlin.”Merlin did not respond.“Sometimes I think I know what you want. And sometimes I don’t.”Merlin remained silent.





	it started out with a kiss (how did it end up like this?)

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve been working on this for months, still not quite sure of it, but i really hope you guys like it!
> 
> i do apologize if some sentences don’t make sense. i’ve edited as best as i can and i do believe the way it is right now is quite decent.

Merlin woke up with his heart hammering against his chest. Once again, his dreams were painted with the color blue. He had dreamt about those eyes; those crystal blue eyes he loved more than anything. He would do anything for them. Whenever those eyes hurt, whenever they were filled with rage, confusion, uneasiness, he wanted to comfort them. He wanted to tell them it would be all okay.

 

Merlin never stopped thinking about those eyes or their owner: Arthur Pendragon. His thoughts were about him and him only. It was overwhelming, sometimes; he could never act on his desires, no matter how hard he thought about it. The feeling of never having Arthur was too much. Which was quite a shock to Merlin as he would have never thought he could feel so strongly about Arthur. His feelings towards him, at the start, were all negative. Merlin thought of the charming blond as a bully; yet as time passed, his feelings became undeniable. 

 

Merlin could not stop thinking about Arthur and his eyes. Oh, how he adored his eyes! Blue eyes that shone brighter than diamonds. Blue eyes that were more valuable than gold. Blue eyes that held so many secrets, so much pain… Merlin’s heart ached just thinking about it. He wished he could take the pain away. He wished he could suffer for Arthur. He wished for Arthur’s happiness, something that seemed like a myth. Arthur laughed and he smiled and he shone like the blinding sun, but Merlin knew it was all an act. He had spent enough time with him to know Arthur was in pain. He never let anyone know except for Merlin; and even still, he did not know half of the truth.

 

Merlin got up and dressed for his duties. He first got Arthur’s breakfast and then went straight to his chambers. He slowly opened the door and walked inside. He put the food tray on the table and went over to Arthur’s bed to wake him up.

 

Merlin looked down at Arthur. He looked like an angel; his face was free from worry, free from pain. He wished for this Arthur terribly. The happy Arthur, the one that had no doubts in this world. But the world was cruel and the truth was, Arthur never looked like that. It was only in very rare moments. When they all–Arthur, the knights, and Merlin–went on trips and sat around the fire. Arthur looked at peace. He looked happy. His smile lit up the woods and sent butterflies to Merlin’s stomach. And then it would be gone, for Arthur had too much on his shoulders. The worry would be back and he would go into his tent to sleep.

 

Merlin wanted to run his fingers through Arthur’s golden hair. It looked so soft. He wanted to be wrapped around Arthur’s strong arms. He wanted to whisper soft words into his ears. He wanted Arthur to be vulnerable around him. He wanted Arthur to be himself. He wanted Arthur to allow him in, to let his guard down. He wanted Arthur to trust him.

 

And it hurt because Arthur did trust him. But not enough so he could be himself.

 

Merlin loathed the pain in Arthur’s eyes. He loathed the loud thoughts that boomed in his mind. They had such thunderous noises, he was amazed at how no one else heard them.

 

Arthur woke up when Merlin opened the curtains. The sun lit up the chambers; it was a bright, sunny day. It was the type of weather Merlin loved because everyone could be happy. But he knew Arthur’s happiness was locked away. It was hidden and he did not know how to unlock it, and nor did Arthur, it seemed.

 

Merlin dressed Arthur. This part of his day was the worst. He had to keep himself from touching his king. His hands moved around Arthur’s body. He was careful enough not to touch any bit of skin because he knew he could not be trusted. Merlin didn’t even dare to look up at Arthur’s face, for he knew he would be met with a sad expression on his face.

 

But Merlin was weak. He looked up at Arthur’s face and it felt like a punch to the face.

 

Arthur looked worse than before. He had dark circles under his eyes. And his eyes, his wonderful blue eyes, were dull; they did not glow brighter than diamonds. His eyes did not sing songs and dance. His eyes did not smile. His eyes forgot the meaning of love; his eyes were far gone. Merlin wondered if Arthur knew about this if he knew that he had lost his eyes and their joy. He did not dare ask.

 

Arthur’s entire face was no different. His hair was a mess. His pale skin looked sick. He looked like he was about to collapse. Merlin held on to Arthur for a few seconds longer, just in case if he was going to fall on the floor. But he didn’t.

 

Merlin wanted to caress Arthur’s arms. He wanted to feel every inch of his body. He wanted to smell him, to feel him. He wanted to kiss his neck, his chest, his back–everywhere. He wanted to hear Arthur call out his name with his beautiful voice. He wanted Arthur to sing for him only. He wanted Arthur to be unguarded, more so than he was right now. He wanted Arthur to be his and he wanted to belong to him. He wanted them to belong to each other. He wanted Arthur to realize this; Merlin knew he wouldn’t. Pain shot through Merlin’s heart. Arthur would never be his no matter how much he wished. He could have cried thinking about it, but Arthur needed his help. Arthur needed him. Even if Arthur did not know that.

 

The two continued with their duties for the rest of the day. Arthur had a council to go to, and Merlin had numerous chores to finish.

 

Merlin wished he could be at Arthur’s side. He wished he could take away the stress.

 

Dawn came with its beautiful colors. The sky was lit with different shades of pink, orange, and more. He was looking out of Arthur’s window, waiting for his king to return; he had prepared his bath and heated up the water. He sighed at the beautiful view ahead of him. It looked like art, he thought. It was the second most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. The first being Arthur.

 

Merlin’s heart started to dance at the thought of him. Merlin tried to shut it up, but his heart refused to. How rude.

 

Merlin wished, for the thousands time since he arrived at Camelot, that Arthur would see him in the same way. He wished Arthur would notice Merlin in the way he noticed Arthur. He wished Arthur cared for him as Merlin cared for Arthur; alas, it was all stupid wishing! Arthur made it very clear that both of them were different. He made it clear that Merlin was just a servant, and Arthur a king. The times when Arthur wanted comfort and allowed Merlin to give it to him was just something he needed. It was because Arthur could not have anyone see him in such a helpless situation, and he knew Merlin could be trusted. He knew Merlin would tell no-one. His imagination fooled him into seeing Arthur’s secretive looks; the looks Arthur gave Merlin when he thought Merlin was not paying attention. Merlin thought it was perhaps because Arthur sensed the countless of secrets Merlin carried. He wished he could tell Arthur, and he knew he would one day, but he did not know when. They were stuck in a very difficult situation with Morgana’s betrayal and Uther’s death; Arthur had not been the same and their… relationship had become distanced. Merlin had made the decision to give Arthur space. It was the right choice, he knew. Arthur was a busy man and even more so now after all the recent events.

 

Merlin had his own worries and doubts and fears; he feared for the kingdom and what would happen to Arthur in the future. He feared for Arthur’s well-being. He feared he was not good enough for him. He feared he was the wrong person to be chosen to be Arthur’s other half. He feared he was going to fail him no matter what he would do. He feared he was hopeless. He had been so weak before, with allowing Morgana to escape. He wished he could rewind time. He wishes he hadn’t failed her; and in failing her, he had failed Arthur, their destiny, everyone. Merlin had a lot of weight on his shoulders, too.

 

The sound of footsteps echoing stopped him from continuing his thoughts. There, in front of the door, was Arthur, his king. With Gwen.

 

A wave of jealousy washed over Merlin. He hated himself for feeling this way, because it was unfair to the both of them; he knew Gwen and Arthur had ended things with a mutual agreement; neither of them thought it was working out. But Arthur had to marry a woman in order to have an heir and their wedding was less than five months away.

 

Merlin knew the marriage would not affect Gwen and Arthur’s friendship, but it would affect his connection towards the two. They would be busy with their duties and each other. They would become close and eventually fall in love again. It was wrong to wish, but he wanted to be Gwen. He wanted to be Arthur’s. He wanted Arthur’s heart to belong to him. He did not hate Gwen–she was one of his closest and oldest friends. He dearly wished he could stop the jealous emotions from taking over him every time he saw Arthur and Gwen together, but he could not.

 

Gwen and Arthur sealed their conversation with laughter, and Gwen left.

 

Merlin looked out the window again. It was pitch black. The stars formed a pattern on the night sky. They seemed calm. Merlin wished he could be a star.

 

“Help me undress, will you?” Arthur said. And so Merlin did.

 

Merlin could feel the awkwardness in the air before he even reached Arthur. The awkwardness leads to uncomfortable silence between the two, and he did not know why. He decided it was best not to look at Arthur’s face. Even though he desperately wanted to. He wanted to ask if Arthur was feeling alright if the day had been too much. He wanted to suggest the two could keep themselves occupied with each other–not for his own intentions, but just so Arthur could be distracted. Such suggestions were highly inappropriate, especially from a manservant to his king, so he decided to keep his mouth shut.

 

“Is everything alright?” Arthur’s voice broke into Merlin’s thoughts.

 

Merlin nodded, “Of course.”

 

Arthur did not look convinced, but he did not push him.

 

Arthur got in the bathtub. He lay there with his eyes closed for a while, letting the warm water comfort him and ease him of his troubles. Merlin quickly busied himself with getting his king’s bed ready. The bed was already perfect because Merlin had arrived an hour before. This just kept delaying Merlin’s duty to bathe Arthur. It was torture, especially since he could not stop his thoughts. He felt guilty about them for most of the time, even though he knew it was normal for him to think of such fantasies.

 

Once he was sure the king’s bed was perfect, Merlin got down on his knees. He decided to massage Arthur’s shoulders first before he started to bathe him. His fingers danced on his king’s shoulders. He did his best not to hurt him, but Arthur’s shoulders were as hard as a rock; they were filled with distress. The last time Merlin did this was a month ago; it had taken him an hour to finally soften Arthur’s shoulders, and now they felt tougher than before.

 

Merlin did his best. His fingers knew every weak spot Arthur had. His hands were rough in certain areas and soft in others. He knew he was pleasing Arthur with the peaceful look his king had on his face; his eyes were closed, enjoying the moment.

 

He decided five minutes was enough to massage Arthur’s shoulders. He didn’t want to keep Arthur waiting for too long. He quickly washed his king’s hair; once he was finished, he put away everything to their rightful place for Arthur’s next bath–which would be tomorrow night, because he knew Arthur needed to relax more than anything–he was about to help Arthur out of the tub when he saw the unreadable look on Arthur’s face. When Merlin got closer, Arthur held on to his hand, slightly pulling him downwards. Merlin crouched down, he was about to ask if he needed anything when Arthur kissed him.

 

Arthur’s lips were soft. They tasted like bitterness and sleep deprivation. He could taste the tiredness through Arthur’s lips. He needs this, Merlin thought. And so he kissed him back. Because he knew Arthur needed a distraction. He knew Arthur needed to get his mind off of the present. Arthur knew he could turn to Merlin whenever he wanted to, and Merlin would always be there for him. Maybe he was taking advantage of Merlin, but Merlin did not care; he was not kissing Arthur for himself. He was not thinking about his needs, for Arthur needed the interruption from reality.

 

Arthur caressed Merlin’s hair. Merlin held onto the bath with one hand for balance, and the other was on Arthur’s neck. Merlin wondered if Arthur could taste the love he had for his king through his lips.

 

Arthur licked the bottom of Merlin’s lip. Merlin stifled a moan and that earned a smile to form on Arthur’s lips. Good. He needs this. He deserves this and so much more. Merlin wished he could offer more. He wished he could offer a paradise for Arthur. He wished he could give up his own happiness so Arthur could have it. He yearned for the times when everything was much simpler–Arthur was happier then; although Uther did not make his life easy, he was alive. Merlin knew Arthur needed his father, needed his half-sister, needed comfort. All Merlin could offer was a small distraction. He wondered if it was helping Arthur in any way. He wondered if Arthur was enjoying this: their lips dancing together, the delightful sounds that escaped from them, their hands on each other. Merlin could feel Arthur playing with his hair. He could feel his soft hands. His hands were gentle, not wanting to hurt his manservant.

 

Merlin was scared. Should he be doing something? All he was doing was running his fingers on Arthur’s neck. Did Arthur want something more? Should he be giving him something more?

 

As if sensing his uncertainty, Arthur slowly pulled back; his two fingers rested on Merlin’s chin, tilting his head upward so he was gazing into Arthur’s eyes. I love your eyes, he wanted to tell Arthur. You have no idea how much I love them, how much I love you.

 

The two could feel their desire burning for each other. They knew this was not enough but that’s all they could do; Arthur was not one to be vulnerable easy, and Merlin was not one to act on his wants and needs because he was unsure of what Arthur felt. This was okay, though, because they knew they needed this.

 

The smile still stayed there on Arthur’s lips as the inseparable two looked at each other. Arthur’s eyes were filled with passion and longing. Merlin’s eyes were filled with the uncertainty he still had from seconds ago.

 

“You’re beautiful,” Arthur said softly. It was barely audible, and Merlin wondered if it had been his imagination. Arthur pressed a soft kiss on Merlin’s lips. “So beautiful.” Arthur murmured, a little louder this time. Merlin felt like his eyes were going to flood with his tears, but he commanded them to stay back.

 

Merlin helped Arthur out of the bath and dressed him.

  
  
  
  
  


The upcoming weeks were torture. Arthur was drowning in his duties while Merlin busied himself with his chores. Neither of them spoke of their kiss. It was a mutual understanding between both of them to not bring it up; however, the longing looks the two gave each other became frequent. Their eyes held conversations only the two of them knew about. Their eyes had their own secrets that they never shared out loud.

 

One night, many weeks after The Kiss, Merlin had been late to Arthur’s chambers. His chores wore him down and he had become incredibly tired as the seconds passed. He had just finished sharpening Arthur’s sword and went straight to Arthur’s chambers. He found Arthur waiting in front of the window, looking up at the night sky.

 

“I’m sorry,” he panted, “I was sharpening your sword. Today has been very busy for me and I took my time–I almost fell asleep, too–I didn’t realize how late I was when a servant came rushing down to tell me that you sent him to remind me that I still had to attend to your chambers. I feel like my arms are falling apart and my head is pounding. I didn’t mean to keep you–”

 

Arthur, growing impatient, walked over to Merlin. He cupped his cheeks and kissed him. Arthur smelt of sweat and anger, and so Merlin kissed him back. He allowed Arthur to play with his hair, to dance his tongue across Merlin’s lips, to inch closer to Merlin when suddenly, there was no space between them. Arthur leads Merlin to a wall, where he traps him. Merlin shivers; the wall was cold, but he knew with the way his face was flushing he would be warm sooner than he thought.

 

Merlin had nowhere to go and even if he had the chance he would not leave. Arthur needed this. Arthur needed Merlin. Merlin’s heartbeat increased and he was sure Arthur could hear it. They did not need to use their words to express what they both needed–and wanted. With a flash, Merlin’s chest was bare, his tunic and scarf were thrown on the floor. Arthur moved down to Merlin’s neck where he was sure he would leave marks (Merlin was thankful for his scarf; although he wanted to show the world that Arthur had marked him, he wanted to show everyone his Arthur had touched him, but he could not). Before he could help it, sounds began to escape Merlin’s lips. He could feel Arthur’s joy in hearing them.

 

Arthur did not move down any further and instead kissed Merlin’s chest several times. He could feel how much Arthur wanted to feel every inch of his body–and oh God, Merlin wanted to do the same to Arthur–but he knew they had to stop eventually. Arthur went back to exploring Merlin’s mouth which he so seemed to enjoy.

 

But Merlin was snapped back to reality.  _ He was kissing his king _ . His movements became hesitant and slow.

 

When Arthur pulled back, Merlin was certain he saw the pain in his eyes. But it disappeared immediately.

  
  
  
  
  


It became a recurring thing between them. In Arthur’s perspective, it seemed a little one-sided; it was always him who made the first move and even so, it was he who was always in control. Merlin seemed helpless in his arms. He seemed–for once in his life–to be following Arthur’s lead. And Arthur was not complaining, especially since neither of them took it too far, but he wished he could understand. Merlin seemed to want it, to enjoy it, but he never acted on it.

 

The days were nearing to November and therefore the nights were much colder than before. Arthur would see Merlin shivering during the day, and at night it was much worse. His manservant seemed to be in pain from the cold. It stung Arthur. He wished he could offer his help but he did not know how. Arthur never knew how to show his affection towards the people whom he cared about. He was trying to work on it and yet it was still a huge struggle to him.

 

One very cold night Arthur could sense Merlin’s frustration towards the cold. His manservant would speak of the great snow days he had back in Ealdor, but it did not seem like he was enjoying the cold now.

 

Arthur caught Merlin standing too close to the fire; his manservant was visibly shivering. His teeth clattering against each other was the only sound that could be heard, along with the occasional crackles of fire. Arthur was already dressed for the night and was going through a few important papers he had to look at. Merlin was waiting for his king to sleep while trying to warm up.

 

“Take off your clothes.”

 

Merlin turned his head. “What?”

 

“You heard me. Take off your clothes.”

 

Merlin’s face heats up. He did as he was told and stood awkwardly in front of the fire.

 

Arthur took his own clothes off; he took one look at Merlin’s face and he could not contain his short laughter. He climbed onto his bed and under the covers. He gestured for Merlin to join. Merlin looked unsure and he looked more confused than before.

 

“Come on, Merlin. I don’t bite,” Arthur promised. “Unless you want me to.”

 

Merlin felt even more stupid when he felt his face get warmer. He moved towards the bed, hesitating before he went under the covers. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin and moved him closer. Merlin nestled his head in the crook of Arthur’s neck. 

 

“You’re very cold.”

 

“Sorry my lord, I tend to freeze quicker than a lake during winter.”

 

They lied down there in comfortable silence. Merlin could feel the calmness wash over Arthur and he felt himself smile. He liked this, like they were sharing comfort together.

 

“You’re beautiful,” Arthur whispered in Merlin’s hair. He planted a soft kiss and wrapped his arms tighter around his manservant.

 

Merlin wanted this, more than anything. He dreamt of this–being close to Arthur. He yearned for this. His heart would not calm down, would not let his imagination settle down. He thought his brain would malfunction at that moment. He could smell Arthur, could feel him. He almost pinched himself to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming.

 

Merlin did not fall asleep. He listened to the sound of Arthur’s light snoring. He wanted to stay there in paradise. He knew Arthur would not be happy if he stayed, because Arthur had only suggested Merlin to join him in bed so he could warm up. And he felt warm now, so much warmer than he ever felt before. He slowly got up, trying hard not to wake up Arthur. The bed creaked and Arthur moved in his sleep but he showed no sign that he was awake. Merlin grabbed his clothes, dressed, and was almost when he heard Arthur’s sleepy voice.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Back to Gaius’ chambers.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I cannot sleep here, and you know that,” It hurt saying those words. It hurt at how true they were. “I will be back in the morning.”

 

“I want you to stay.”

 

“But sire–”

 

“Please.”

 

And how could Merlin say no to Arthur? He did not want to disappoint his king, and so he joined him back to bed.

 

Merlin had still not fallen asleep and neither had Arthur. They felt time stop as they remained close to each other. Merlin wished this would happen more often.

 

“I wish I could understand you, Merlin.”

 

Merlin did not respond.

 

“Sometimes I think I know what you want. And sometimes I don’t.”

 

Merlin remained silent.

 

“I wish I could know, Merlin. I really do. Because see, you intrigue me. Years of knowing you and I still find myself amazed every time I find out something new about you. You are a mystery, Merlin, and though I do not like them very much, you are certainly my favorite one.”

 

Merlin wanted to flee.

 

“I know you have your own secrets and I respect that. You have your own worries, your own life–even though you serve me, you are your own man. You are different in so many ways. You never cease to amaze me. You have so much hope and wonder for this world that it fills my heart with great appreciation for you. I know you better than anyone, and yet I still seem to discover something new about you every day. I know you like stopping our journeys to admire flowers. I know you like to analyze the night sky. I know you love and care for animals. I know how selfless you are. I know the way you talk, what makes you smile, what makes you sad, what makes you angry. I know so much about you; yet still, I know nothing.

 

“I have no idea what you want, Merlin. I can guess, but I cannot know for certain. I need you to tell me–or show me. You have no need to be scared because you know exactly what I want–what we both want. I just need to know for sure.”

 

Somehow, in those moments while Arthur had been speaking, Merlin had begun to cry. Why? He had no idea. But he knew what he wanted.

 

He kissed Arthur. He kissed him like it would be his last. He kissed him like it was what he needed in order to live. He kissed him like Arthur was his source of happiness. He kissed him because if he did not, Merlin would die and he would be living with the same ache in his heart for the rest of his life. Merlin poured all his emotions into the kiss. He wanted Arthur to taste his frustration, his sadness, his happiness–everything–because he could taste Arthur’s. He knew what Arthur felt and on top of what Merlin was currently feeling, it dizzied him; it overwhelmed him to the point where he thought he would be unable to breathe. He forgot about the world around them because right now they were the only ones who mattered. Merlin’s desires heightened along with Arthur’s; kissing was not enough. Now they were all over each other’s body. They wanted this. They yearned for this.

 

Merlin was the first to wake up in the morning. The reality hit him sooner than he wished it would.

 

He couldn’t do this. He could not do this. Not with Arthur. The king. His king. Merlin was just a manservant. Arthur’s manservant. He had to leave.

 

And so he did.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Arthur could not find Merlin. Not for several days at least. He never thought his servant would avoid him. He blamed himself. Merlin must have understood it as an obligation and regretted it.

  
  


He had tried to call Merlin to his chambers. He had tried to follow Merlin around the castle. He had tried everything and he still could not talk to Merlin because Merlin would not even look at him.

 

So he had to go to him.

 

Escaping his duties, Arthur went to Gaius’ chambers. He knew Gaius would not be there for half the day as he was out tending to the citizens of Camelot. And he was more than certain that he would find Merlin sprawled on his bed; not from laziness but because Merlin had complained about how busy he has been before he started avoiding Arthur. So Arthur knew Merlin would be sleeping in his bed, resting.

 

He knew he was right when he opened Merlin’s door.

 

Merlin asleep on his bed with his covers on the floor. Arthur would have laughed if he had not been there to discuss a serious situation. He gently shook Merlin’s shoulder.

 

“Gaius,” Merlin mumbled, “Arthur can wait an extra five minutes. I deserve my beauty sleep.”

 

The king chuckled. “Arthur does not need to wait as he is here already.”

 

Merlin jerked upright to Arthur’s voice.

 

They stared at each other for a while. And then Arthur’s voice cut through the silence, “You’ve been avoiding me.”

 

Merlin looked down in embarrassment. He knew Arthur would seek him out and ask why he had disappeared. He just wished he had more time to hide away. He did not want to face the truth–he didn’t think he ever would be ready to face the truth. It hurt too much; how could Arthur not see this? How could he not understand that Merlin wanted more. He wanted Arthur to be his. They fit together. Staying away from him was unbearable, but it had to be done. A king and his manservant had no chance of romantic life. Even if they did there would be no chance of them making it public; two men are not meant to be together, it’s disgusting and horrid–at least, that’s what a lot of people perceived it as–Arthur was engaged to Gwen already. It had taken a few months to arrange their wedding. Even though Arthur was now king and he was allowed to make his own decisions and change laws, he had to talk it out with the council first. In most cases, the king’s servants would take place as his bedwarmer, as well. This would only be necessary if their wife was either not pleasing them or they felt the need for more... activities. Merlin did not want that position. He wanted more. Even if his king reciprocate those feelings nothing could be done.

 

Merlin does not look up at Arthur. He can feel his king’s frustration as he tilts Merlin’s head up so he is now looking into his brilliant blue eyes. The touch of Arthur’s finger burns Merlin’s skin.

 

Merlin remained silent, refusing to speak.

 

“I thought you wanted this.”

 

_ I do _ , Merlin wanted to say. He knows he can’t.

 

“Have I done something wrong?”

 

_ No, you did not. _

 

“I’m sorry if I caused any discomfort.”

 

_ You did not. _

 

“I’m sorry if you believe I took advantage of you, with you being my servant. I truly believed you wanted it; I would have never forced you into doing something you did not want to do.”

 

_ I do want it. I do I do I do. _

 

“I really do like you, Merlin. I like you a lot. So much you have no idea,” his king chuckled to himself. Oh, how much he wanted to kiss those lips. “I understand if you do not feel the same. I understand if you want to resign from your duties as my manservant. I promise you I will never make you do something you are not comfortable with. I’m sorry.”

 

The two gazed into each other’s eyes for a few seconds too long. Once again, they were having an entire conversation with them. Both of them could see the longing in the other’s eyes. They could feel the passion they felt for each other. They wished for a life together, one which involved both of them to be more than friends.

 

Arthur hesitated before getting up, as if he expected Merlin to tell him that no, he had not been uncomfortable and yes, he did like him too. But the raven-haired boy said nothing. His eyes stayed focus on one corner of his room now that Arthur’s finger had left his chin. Merlin listened to the fading footsteps of his king. He closed his eyes and rested his head on his pillow. His heart yearned for Arthur to come back. His chin missed the touch of Arthur’s finger. He wished he could have washed away the insecurity on Arthur’s face as he talked, but he could not.

 

He was destined to protect Arthur. His purpose in Arthur’s life was to protect him, nothing more.

**Author's Note:**

> i really wanted to end this with both of my boys together and happy but then i thought, screw it, let me add a ton of pining and angst.


End file.
